It's amazing how people can adore you.
Or how prone you are to being adored.
Or how people can't not like you for what you are.
No matter how much you are how it shouldn't be.
When you're someone they can't please.
When you feel too much and yet too little.
When they're all nice people.
But you're never loved for who you are.
Oh! how they'll adore you.
For being someone you're not.
For being someone they assume.
For being Perfect or with an excuse.
For being someone you don't even show yourself to be.
For being someone just in their heads.
When they really shouldn't.
And you really don't want them to.
Oh!How much she is loved...the girl they assume you to be.
And how you're not loved for who you are......by anyone.
Aren't you just amazing?
But aren't you just who you are?
Why do you love her so much?
And forget me all the time.
That love is nothing but sympathy, praise and lies.
That love isn't love at all.
And then you'll miss someone....
Who was never even there.



I like chocolate in the morning
I drink my coffee late at night

Draaaaaaaaaah ah!!!!!!
To surprise yourself.
(A big wide smile)
Ah!Stars at night!!



Try not minding the song.:P

Youtube is pathetic nowdays.
And if it gives you that "We're sorry.This video is no longer available..blah..blah..blah" kind of stupid message.
Just add "&fmt=18" in the address bar.
For example,
This is the link to a video.
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=PmRJo8RQ5sA

If it gives you that annoying messsage....then just make it..
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=PmRJo8RQ5sA&fmt=18

You'll get to see the video.
The problem seems to be particularly high quality videos.

100 gms, as you see it...is almost nothing.Really.
But what if you have several kilograms of weight already in you hand.
What really then?
Then this 100 gm feels like the world.And you drop it all.Because you can't take it anymore.
Then you know what a little more weight can do.
Then you have to drop down a little of your ego and ask for ...ehm...HELP.Though you did before. But you just yelled.
And now you have to signal fire.

Do you know when the pain is highly killing?When you stop yelling and complaining.When you sit and refuse to say much.And your eyes say it all. The worst kind of pain. So now I know.

And now I found something that help share the big weight...DSPS- Melatonin.But it'll take time before all fits right. But atleast now I know how to work towards it.
Though this isn't my first time I tried Melatonin.3gms initially- but it gave me a splitting headache.
So now I found out it isn't a side-effect actually, but just a low dose.So now I'm on 6mg.And it's alright.

About the 100gms. It's kind of those little things you have to keep in mind.Don't stand too long, nice new shoes( Reminds me of that Paulo Nutini song) and some stockings which I still have to get. Firstly to ease the pressure, and secondly to avoid peripheral pooling of blood in my feet. All these for some short time compared to a lifetime.

So things are finally working out.And I've seen the best of myself, or atleast a little bit of it.Like a Cinderella story. But it takes time for something to happen.And it's always best to let it have that time.

It feels great.....and trust me on this...it does...To have your first good sleep in more years than the digits on your hand.Even if the fun lasts for just a day.

Have a good day people.

She could never walk a straight line
And she'll wait for all the signs
Then she'll drag you out with her
When ready and much better
She always seems to say all that
In your quiet corner of head which sat
Her words always rhyme
Except that one time
Her silence screams
In winter she likes ice-creams
Oh!What does it cost?
No, she's lost!!
And she's stuck there, at last
But she's moving to fast
And it's tiring to keep up
She oughtta be a lively pup
She needs to be told
That all she calls is cold
But she won't listen to you
Cause she's never wrong as time flew
Maybe a half-time in life
Cake pieces cut with a knife
And when the room will spin
And it's time to come in
She'll push you out
Perhaps even threaten about
She'll look you in the eye
Call you a moron and say goodbye
She'll do salsa all night
And sleep when it's all bright
Cleans bruises on her foot
Ask her, shoot
Words that go on and on
Before focus is gone
And she needs to sleep,don't count sheep
She has memories to keep
She'll be in crowds alone
And it's pain upto her bone
But it'll be too late
Don't go looking for a bait
She'll be alright
Just one more night
For many more days
She needs her grace
It makes no sense
But it's so dense
She's drugged innate
She'll laugh at your hate
She's throwing herself wrong
But it's the part of the song
She so happy
She sounds so crappy
Loves the last word on her lips
"Goodbye.."(Your name she skips)
Isn't she the sweetest?
Isn't she the sweetest thing?



"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Charles Beard

.....made of famous symbols...alphabets...
I can type this.
And think of it before that.

Come to think of it....the number of words I can write(don't start calculating).
But really mean nothing.
And sometimes do nothing.
Sometimes, they are meant to do nothing.

The rush of words in my head.....that I seem to manage well.
But I always get stuck when I even imagine you in front of me.
I know...there is no hope for me...I'm lovestruck.:P
And you'll never be able to get it out of me.
An abundance of words, and still none reaching my mouth.
I would rather smile silly.

But coming back to words.
How one links to the other....and the connections you can draw..
How I can lose my focus..
How I can get lost...

Words...

I need to come back again.
The words that I speak.
Not giving my opinions really...
Just putting forth a contradiction...
Putting a choice on the table.
Sad.
Nobody really likes it.
A confusion.
A decision.
Because now, it depends on them.
When the blame will start, that's where it'll end...
at you....
at everyone who points at you...
Which really doesn't help.

Contradiction.
I like that word.
I'm giving you a choice.
It's for you.
And sometimes...I need a contradiction myself..
Just to be saved...
From nothing really..

Love.
That word.

Feelings, emotions.
The little respect they get...
For what they are.
Linked to love...
They mean something on their own.
They can do without love.
Sometimes logic is closer to love than your emotions.
Isn't it sad to know...
that in your life..
No matter what it gives you..
You always have a choice?
I never give you any choice.
It was already there.
I just showed it to you and others.
It probably isn't a good deed.

I must be a smile in the devil's hide.
Most people will tell you...Maybe you are one of them..That there really is no good or bad..
There really isn't...
There are just choices...

You're free depending upon how free you want to be.
My dear,
You'll always be free...I'll always be free.....to choose..Though the effect will never be in our hands...
I need to be reminded sometimes.

And effects are like physics...
You could calculate it all...
But if you know it all....Where's the fun?

And there is always your name that saves me.......
Pulls me out..
When I fall out of the infinte...
That makes me smile...
A word more worth than all others together...
Would you call it a word?
Or a sound?
Haha.
Go find yourself one someday.
For now, enjoy this video...

Considering my last night's drunk behaviour(no I do not drink) and the blog entry that in sense doesn't make any sense but to the writer,I should be regretting it.
But since I agreed with myself somewhere around 11 that I'll regret lesser things, preferabally those I missed, I'll save this one for later.

Beauty...
Haha..
It's all so beautiful...

Don't think about that, skip it.It's for me to see again someday and have that silly smile on my face.

I'll talk about love again.
I want to love.
I know that.
So I do.

Love isn't two ways.That's a relationship(atleast potential).
Love is free(of cost and content).
No one can ever take the love out of you...except yourself.

I do not need to love.
No, not to survive.
I can, without it.
Loveless....

But I want to.....
So badly..
But never compromise...
Because I don't...ever...
And I never promise..
Because I don't ever...

Everything your's is how you make it.
And what you choose is never yours.
Though it belongs to you sometimes...then other times, it doesn't.
I hope you understand that.

I belong to you, but you do not own me...
Keeps me free...
And yet in love.

I don't love because I need to..
I don't love because I wanted to and I couldn't find someone who was all I love, so it's you
Haha.
I love because I want to, and I know I don't need to
Because I could choose not to
Because I found someone I just cannot take out of my head or heart....
Because I can stop..
But I don't want to...

Love can teach you so much about freedom...your's and others'
It's sad...
Why everyone wants to promise...
Why everyone wants to possess..
And miss the bliss of love....

For now I'm worse than a rat....
My limbic system is strange...
Pleasure and pain seem small..
Unimportant...
They mean something..
Not much..
From where I see from my hill...
Not because they're down there like ants..
Because they sit with me...
Love spoils you..
Thankfully...

Too many dots.Haha.

I cried last night.
It wasn't pain.
It wasn't pleasure.
It was beautiful.
It was him.

He is always there...even when he is not there...
Really he isn't...
But I'm sure he is...always...somehow..

He makes me free....

Maybe someday,
You should just run...
Not for anger,
Nor for fitness,
Nor for saving your life..

But just for running...

Maybe you should love..
Just for loving..

My head and heart never agree....
On the reason..
But they want the same...

I could tell you all the rubbish in life...
But life is too beautiful..
I need to save my regrets..
I'm poor on them...
So I'll just miss out less on it.

It's strange how much a word can hold within it.

I will never promise to love you...
Because someday, it would mean that I love you to keep my promise..
I know I'll always do.
It's nice to have your first love as the last.

It's pretty that it'll hopefully always stay one way.

Love...
Someone could love you as the lifetime love for a day and mean it.
Someone could love you the one day love for a lifetime.
I think about him all day...and he makes me smile..
I could stop loving him....
But it's too much of a fun..
I'm loving just for my own sake..
I want to love him....forever...it's a choice...
I'm loving just for love...
For that there can be only one of a kind...
And I found the one I'd love in all...
Greed...Humanity...
You expect me to settle now for something lesser?
I wouldn't have in either case.
Perfection steals most beauty.

The happy end is what you decide is.

You might just read this someday..maybe today itself..
And you'd call me either a liar, a schizophrenic or you'd like to believe this will change..
Because it's scary what love can be from the outside.
I'm not stupid.I think too much.
Love will drive you crazy for sure.

And someday when I'll die, and you'd see the love in my eyes...
you'd reject it people...or forget it...or think of it as a fiction...
Because you don't want to know that.

I wonder, will you ever enjoy loving.

Maybe it's just me.
It's just me.
It's me.
I'm glad it's me.

For tonight...I don't want to sleep tonight.....
That's right...something I craved for yesterday..
Sadly...I might feels sleepy within 2 hrs.

Life is in the end about priorities I guess.

I know nothing about life.
I know nothing.
I should have been atleast a complete idiot.
Atleast I have my insanity.
I must be drugged innate.

And you save me again.

There it is...
The sound of the wind...
The feel of water..

I need to keep breathing...

Sometimes I really begin to think why we want the opposite of what we have.

For instance,
You don't have much support, you wish you had.
You have a lot of support, you wish you had less and felt more free.

You'd like to believe that people are good, but they are amazing bastards.
And if you'd like to think they ae all bastards, they are annoyingly angelic.

You aren't loved, you want to be.
You're loved, and you don't want to be.

You're scared, you wish you had a load of guts.
You're aggressive, and you'd want to be calm.

About what we have as in, an input from somebody other than yourself.
I wonder sometimes.

Is it that we, humans, are extremely prone to disatisfaction?

Or are we like magnets?
Attracting the opposite pole.
Is it the other way round?
Is it that we attract opposite of what we'd like?

Personally I wouldn't like to believe that any such thing existed.

Then is it, that the grass is always greener on the other side?

Maybe we are just seeking for a balance.
A balance between 2 things.
A perfect measure.
But,as we are aware, perfection is only in theory.
So perhaps the scale always drops to one side.
Maybe we are happy with those that get close to it.

Perhaps we really don't want one thing or the opposite of it.
We only want either of these, just in the perfect measure.

And then again, I probably will never know.

And probably, I don't even want to.

1)I do not need people to survive.Nor family, nor friends, nor a partner.It doesn't mean that I don't want them.But that is the thing.I don't need them, I would want them.Turns it into a luxury.

2)I have no possession over anything.Even my money will atleast be dynamic.But that's not most of our questions.I refer to mostly people.No matter how you love someone, and they love you back inturn...you can never own them.Sure they can belong to you, but you cannot own them.And the same goes for you.

3)Since I have no possession, I have nothing to lose.Simply because it never was mine.

4)I can only show people the choices.I cannot (or at least will not) choose for them.

5)Just because I lost a state of happiness, doesn't mean I should be sad.

6)Throw the "Should be"s in your garbage-bin

7)Just because a moment in a phase is sad, there is no compulsion for me to make the whole phase look bad.Which means that just because the end is bad, doesn't mean it was bad all the time till the end.

8)Nobody tells us how to react to something.

9)I change everyday.

10)I either probably ruin my life, or I let others do it for me.(this one very specifically for myself).