I feel so much clarity nowdays.
And so much of my heart.
And so much of life.

I must be going mad.

Life is a magician.Haha.Sort of.And it really gets freaky sometimes.And soon, it becomes fun.Nothing important really.

I searched 21 in google.Went to the 21st site, chose the 21st article on it. The fun part was that the first paragraph had 21 words.Moreover, the article had 21 separate things.
I was a little amused.It was fun.

Sometimes I wonder why I become so eager to freak myself out.Or enjoy it so much.

Oh well, it doesn't really matter. We all need a little weirdness in our lives. Probably because we are made to be mad.

It doesn't really matter the amount of wrongs we do in life.Or that we end up wrong. Because wrong is really relative.Highly infact.

I'm beginning to play a game I never knew existed. And the best part of it is. You may not plan, and still win if you feel you have won.

Life, is a great buddy.

Play this..

“The Secret Life Of Daydreams” by
What is love?

Love is........
Love is personal.It is ours. Love is not a function of anything.
Love is free from the want of company through suffering.
Or the want of a company through happiness.
Love is free.

I think of love again, as I think of it always in my heart.
I am told that hate is opposite of fear.But I know, love is sometimes a precursor for hate.
Some say, the opposite is fear.But fear can exist with love too.

Love.Has no opposites probably.

It doesn't matter anymore.Whether there is love at the other end.
I say nothing new.
But in their heads, people think it is a way to get true mutual love.
Is love a deal?
A business?
You may or may not be loved in return.
It doesn't matter.

You cannot force your way into it.Or out of it.
Love happens.

I think of polygamy.Lets take a man marrying many women.One woman thinks that he would have loved her more if she was his only wife.But that is not true.
Love cannot be exchanged.
He would still love her the same amount.
It works the other way too.
When we hear that our love has cheated on us, we think they are ungrateful.It is unfair. We deserve better.
And I ask again....What does one deserve?
A man can love more than once in a lifetime.And yes, sometimes, even at the same time.
Love, yes, is an uncomfortable idea.
Specially because it plays with your security.
And even though you are loved still the same in amount and time, you would want to be the only love.
You would want to clip the wings of the bird that you love to see flying.
Where does love go?

Why was the idea of love mixed with affection?
They are different.

In love.
I am free, you are free.
What does he need to be grateful for?For letting him live his life?
I laugh.Who are you to decide?

But again, it is an uncomfortable idea.
Since you can cheat, you can be cheated upon too.
But what were you thinking?
Love is a pact to sell each other?
You own nobody.
Nobody can own you.

Why is that love diminishes after we "win" in it?
I laugh again.Love doesn't diminish.It hides.
Because we think we have won.
Open your eyes.
You have a long way to go.
The journey through and to love is unending.

As I run within the desert...
and lift my hands amd ask..
Ask her who nourishes us..
who protects us..
and who cares...
As lights run in front of my eyes...
I ask...
What is love?
And she holds my face in her hands..
as she says
My dear...
Love is.

Love...the strangest thing you will ever encounter.
Free,enchanting, passionate....and so much more...that can only been given adjectives, but never a meaning, even after living it.

And yet, as I have so many other things to write today.Of magic and what not.

As I think of love again, but find it useless day by day, finding something greater, and finding that it is love again.And yet the same one.

I can smile.

Is it love?
Is it love that drives us to the craziness of believing in sanity?Of honesty baked into faithfulness? Of trade? Of plans ? Of ideas? Of the future? Or of reason?

We all long for love.
Atleast we claim to.
WE.
But when we have a chance, or several...because love is so generous....it's absurd.

Ha!
Love...love is dynamic...as peace is.
It has to be.
Because there is love everlasting.
And that can only be possible when it is as everchanging as the elements it involves.With only a scope of enhancment, if it were love alone.

I do not care of it all anymore, of the fraud in the name of love.
Or it's misuse.
Even by me.

I do not deserve to live.
But life gives us more than we deserve.
And we are greedy enough to keep it with us.
And I have a good of a greed.
So I want to live.
Even if it, most of the times, feels like for the worse.
Of course, not depressing, and not like it sounds.
What do I care?
I'm not remotely solely responsible for anything for that matter.
And isn't truth convinient?
Yes it is.
Far than you can imagine.
If you can use logic well.

Love.
Love?
For what you can sacrifice your happiness, your sanity, your life?
Love.
Something that fills up the huge void in your life instead of the unimportant things you hallucinate to filled it up.
Driving away that hollowness.

I don't know a thing about love.
And I don't care if anyone does.
Or of even what I think of it anymore.
Because it doesn't matter at all.

And I still love.
And I don't care about happiness.
Because I have already lost my sanity now.

The moon is lovely today.
It always ends in the best of the majority.
And something recent lightens me up.
The feeling of it, of what I have longed.
The Romans had great ideas.
And I've either completely lost my head...
Or I'm now finally living. :)

Well, life does turn things your way.
 Wow!I'm so wasted!
Cheers to that!

Transtions can be annoying and make you restless.
Sometimes it scares me that I'll finish one thing, and then I'll be "Okay, now what?"
And what's even pathetic is that I like to finish things off.

So now when one part of your life is over...
And you're moving into a different one...
There is a gap in between.
The resltless time...You don't know what to do now.
Maybe what to do next, but not now.

It's not that you have no ideas, but I want to do a lot of things during the same time.
Specially when I get a lot time, because of my little sleep problem here.
Which, again, highly is variable with my mood.
So if I get excited, or happy, or extremely angry....
There goes my sleep.
I think , just this week(??)...I didn't sleep for 3 days straight.
So yeah...was kind of bad.
Moreover, that I'm going through this transition,I want to avoid having longer awake time.But, well, it really isn't going that well.

I'm trying to get into doing a lot of things.
But,as you can interpret, someone staying up for so many hours...it plays tough on you physically,emotionally and mentally.

But it's much better than those gaps between two things.
Maybe it's just me.
But now things are so different, it's like my whole life has changed tracks. And I don't really care for anything nowdays, even me(which isn't all that wise).

I'm living in the now, which drives me to have more fun, learn more, and probably become a lot stronger or a lot weaker. And all this just to fill up gaps.

It isn't the best of times in relation to health, but I'm having fun.

Well atleast I have some good things happening, which is basically one of the reasons of the change.So I don't much agree with forgetting your past.It's just what you carry from your past forward to make it your motivation.

And someday, I need to learn how to handle gaps.

What is it that we want?
Because the hollowness grips me again.Because I cannot escape what I see outside, and all that must be inside me too.

It differs.Because we are different people.Each one of us.

But we follow a common pattern.As if it had been stuffed in our genes, passing it to the next generations.
At some part our lives, preferably earlier, because we become stupid as we grow up....at the time we were kids.And the only things that concerns us is ourselves.That is probably the second reason why kids are called honest.Because they are not afraid to show their selfishness, nor hide their wants.And they are also smarter because they know what they want.

Then again, kids are not another species.

Then we reach a point where we can no longer fulfill what we want by the means we have.Inspite of how much ever they might be....the wants and resourses both. That is when we decide to work.And let me make it clear that I'm not against working.

We work and we get invovled in our jobs.We either succeed or fail.If we fail, we still do not have enough resourses to live it.But when we do succeed, we dive into the celebration of success.And that is not bad either.But we want more, and we work harder.

Then at some point, we have enough money for our dreams.But then we lie to everyone including ourselves that we do  not still have enough of money or we cannot afford to lose time.When that is not true.
We find ourselves afraid of pursuing what we want.Because we have found something that gives us approval, appreciation.And we do not know if our dream would be able to produce the same.Moreover, we might lose what we already have.Better wait for the right age for it.But refusing to agree to any of it.Convincing ourselves that it is required for the orderliness of the world, else there would be chaos.
In other times, we convince ourselves that our desires were childish and that is not the way the world runs.They had grown in age, and cannot do it now.

Wait.Till we get old.Our dreams are different.Some may not be possible then, and the time has gone probably, some are still possible.But yet, in either case, we find the words "I'm too old now."

Going back to the man who never succeeded, as we carry this one along with it. When we near death, irrespective of what our life is.There almost always a regret of not doing those dreams.A feeling of not have lived enough.

..............

I reached this thought as I was thinking of love.

We claim that love is the most important thing in life.
We find love.
Sometimes one.
Sometimes many.

In the initial stages, we cannot hold oursleves back from giving everything we have to the one we love.Trying every little way to please that special someone.
And once we have "won" that someone, we decide that we should give each other more.Now that there is more responsibility, and soon a family, we have to work.There is hardly some time for each other."What I am doing is for you.The same as before, only in a different way." And slowly earning overshadows love.When we can live comfortably, and have time for the ones we love.
Someday, we realise how far we have drifted from each other.And love gives us many chances, because love is generous.But it is awkward now to go back.Everything seems fine like this. Why change back?This is comfortable.

I think it is some kind of a fear. But of what, I do not know.

And if we were to look back at our lives, we could see how little time we have spent on "the most important thing".

Though I do not mean everyone by we, because I don't know. I mean the majority to be safe.

..................

Again to someone, who did not have enough means for his dreams.If we were to give him those resources, would he still pursue them?
Probably not.
Because he would think that with those resources, he'd rather invest, use them somewhere more "useful".so that he can live more of his dreams, or his dreams for a longer time and gets caught up in the same thing again.

Either way, we end up with the same feeling.


I come to think that
We are either extremely stupid.
Or we really have no dreams. It is just a means to get out the best in us, and leave us regretting in our death bed.

Though living is not enough if you consider it separately.
We also need to survive.
Because only then we can live.

I wonder if we can, somehow, manage both.
And learn to come back again.
If we can get out of our heads.

Fun song.

...no matter what it is called anywhere in the world, it still remains the apple.
They do differ, have their characteristics, colors ,whatever.
But in the end ...it's just the apple.
(Play this)

Dario Marianelli-Denouement
I don't know if God exists, which frees me from belonging to a religion atleast for now. Neither do I want to rule out the idea.Because I can never be sure of either.
But that's not my point.
There are several religions, and their respective Gods.With each one of them thinking that they are on the right path, and all others are lost. Because they are worshiping the "wrong God".
Which I find pretty funny because in the end, it's the same idea...just in different ways.

Besides, if God does exist..
I've come to think that he doesn't care if we worship him or not.
Because he can easily make it certain that we do.He can.And he would.
But he doesn't seem bothered.
He probably doesn't bother what we do in our lives.
Maybe he just likes watching.
He doesn't care if I don't use a capital 'G' in god.(But yes, my mind has been quite trained by individuals of my own species to do that)
He doesn't care what we eat.
Because if he wanted us to be herbivorous......he would have made our bowels like deers and giraffes and cows.
He gives us a choice.
And I think he has better things to do than test our virtues...
Because if he wanted us to be like this and like that..
He would have made us that way.

I think...the thing is people want to be miserable..because it gives them security.
Think of all gloomy songs that sell.
Of how people kill in the name of religion.
And how other people kill them in the name of saving innocents.
Or how killing becomes legal.
Or how god orders to kill.
Or how we should do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Because I think if we do something we think is wrong, we need to first think why we did it in the first place, irrespective of others.
And if it we think it is alright, then we do not want to criticize it when we go through it ourselves.
Or why we must always think of the others thoughts more than our feelings.
Or why we shouldn't rejoice in victory, and feel sad in the loss of another, irrespective of how happy we are.
Of how we celebrate birthdays of those who are living deads.
Or how we should cry at the funeral of a man who lived the most in his last days.
Of how we should seek approval of the others, irrespective of what we fancy.
Of why we should clap at the nonsense of great man.
Or ignore some great words of a stupid one.
Or why God placed an apple tree right there if he didn't want Adam and Eve to eat apples.
Why we always must be grateful.
Why we must always seek to be happy.
Why we would always want to fill our pockets with money.
And buy more pockets with that money.
Of how we must search for true love.
When all love is true.
If it isn't true...then it just isn't love.
Or how love should last for a lifetime.
Or we should fall in "real" love only once.
Why aliens must always look uglier than us in movies.
Why faithfulness is more valued than honesty.
Or why there is patriotism.
Or why terrorists don't spend all that time watching TV and playing video games.
Or why we think it is necessary for us to think that it is important that our species survive.
Or why we think we are important.
Or why we have duties.
Or why normal is prefered over natural.
Or why one rotten apple spoils the others.
Or why we think we are selfish when we hardly do something for ourselves in a lifetime.
Why we think we are right.
Even when we believe that nothing is right and wrong.
Why we have to study the stupidity of our species with pride in History classes and even remember the dates.
Why honesty is appreciated when we even aren't honest to ourselves.
Or why they make kids eat apples telling them that it will keep a doctor away...though I fail to understand how that works with malaria or AIDS.
Or why we must always be graceful and be respectful.
Or why we hold rigid ideas and lack self respect.
Why we think so much.
And feel so little.
Why we live with an apple on our head.
Why we lack words for the best expressions in the world.
Why we worry about tomorrow.
Why we are lost today.
Why Eve didn't eat the apple alone.
Why we need to learn the worldly ways when childhood innocence is appreciated.
Why we can't be dumb.
Why we force our rights onto others.
Why we think we own others.
Why Newton sat under an apple tree.
Why we think the sun does not move.
Why we find ourselves so tired and so worn.
Why he must be a star to be the apple of their eye.
Why people buy gold, or why it is even wanted so much.
Why kids give their teachers apples.
Of why we better waste this life to prepare ourselves for the next.
Or why we are taught a bird in a hand is worth two in a bush.
Why the camel joins the company of a lion, a jackal and a crow.

Why Snow White ate the apple to keep the old woman happy, when she didn't want it.

Or why I don't even care.

Because we probably are stupid.
And life is something we're not good at.

:)

I'll wear your shoes
You put yourself in mine.
We'll live through other's
Get it right this time.

Clumsy, awkward
It doesn't fit.
But it's a start
It might be a hit.

I find your fashion
As hard as your heels.
Balancing acts
Walking on some peels.

The leather's weird
Not soft on my skin.
Dragging flats
With some space within.

We stumble much
We need some socks.
You and me
A Jack in the box.

I almost got hit
I fell in the rain
I don't get it
Your shoes insane

I felt not nice
Is that how you feel?
I do like mine
Are your's made of steel?

I so adore you
When you're shoe-less.
But with those on
You look like a mess.

The stress rises
More on our shoes.
Things just right
Here come those blues.

Years pass by
It keeps getting low.
How it ends
I just cannot know.


(Not a personal sort of song.Just wrote it out of fun.;)